


Searching

by steviecore



Category: The Goldfinch (2019), The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt
Genre: Boris POV, Boris has Theo's Mom's earrings, Boris is so in love, Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Song fic, Yearning, smut but make it poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:15:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27427783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steviecore/pseuds/steviecore
Summary: It's always with him that I keep finding myself travelling back to. It has always been him. No matter how many years pass, or how many faces pass by me, it's always him that catches up to me.
Relationships: Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky
Kudos: 29





	Searching

**Author's Note:**

> i really just wrote one angsty stucky fic and dipped huh, lets try and make it through writing this without giving it up suddenly -- i hope y'all like it though!!! also yes i know this is super short

_Not everyone can be like me and Michael_  
_The only problem is forgetting which side you're on_  
_So you think the burning light will reappear on summer nights_  
_Like all the rest, but they can't find out_

It's always with him that I keep finding myself travelling back to. It has always been him. No matter how many years pass, or how many faces pass by me, it's always him that catches up to me. He grips me in the dark, in the water, pulls me out of my own head before I drown, saves me. The distance has never deterred the unshakable hold he has always had on me. Imagination is a funny thing, with the way it works, with the way it changes a man's perception of himself and his devices. Like some primitive animal, it can tell you things that are unidentifiable, things that you have to have experienced to know. It sneaks up on you, through the tousled locks of a meaningless tryst, through the chuckle of someone with scarlet cheeks. They all remind you of him. They all remind me of him.

Maybe it is not imagination that has infected my wit, my power over my own self. But it is something, a something that prides itself out in the open in the tiniest of things. I can't escape you, it tortures me. I have tried to leave you behind by wishing that you were nothing but a distant memory. A memory created purely through the concoctions of drugs and alcohol. The same memory that left bruises in its wake, the memory that has haunted me for seemingly centuries.

The emerald earrings you traded me once, they have stayed with me since. I ponder to myself at times, if romantics years and years ago pondered in the way you have caused me to. Did they also feel infected, chained, saved by their memories? Did they look at stones and crystals lined with silver hung from the ears and become overwhelmed? What is it that I am searching for? Is it that little boy who's thin frame pressed up against me in desperation, is it the new inexplainable feeling I clutch to myself every time I dream of you? The one that has burned its way deep into my chest, it has settled. 

My own beast who has created a nest of tears in my heart. You pull me out of the dark once again, over and over, where are you? Theodore Decker, люблю. Show me that you are not merely a dream, show me that you are not an image created from pure loneliness. Prove to me that you are more than the animal that waits to grip my chip and whisper to me. Pull me out of the water again, and let it be you (really you) this time.

_In every scene, it's me and Michael  
Imaginary bombs raining down from the clouds  
So it seems the danger signs will never let the feelings die  
When all the best and brightest have gone_

_"_ Let me in."

I feel my walls quivering under his touch, my stone enclosure I had so carefully crafted. He could incite lightning in me and still I would run to him. My pitiful skin would ache and crawl to him, dripping with him. You always were the stronger one Theo. Heaven and Earth could be moved by your smile, a smile that I cannot recall ever seeing in any lifeform before you. Because it is unique and yours alone, painfully yours.

"Boris."

You have grown so much, scaring away my fears with a stare now instead of a pill. Your walls are being broken down by me too, aren't they? Never has history seen such a greater downfall. No romantic in history could ever use their tongue to describe us melting together once again. Magnets, lovers, soldiers that have finally come home. There has never been such an intense revelation of truth. God's authority trembles upon observing the beauty that is us, love. You have gripped me.

" It's okay shh, just kiss me, I'm right here."

It is all so strange isn't it? How well you know me. How much time we have spent gazing into each other's organs, minds, skin. The complexity of being curled up inside each other, waiting for the storm to take its leave. Of all the locations I have carried this body to, of all of the substances that have shattered me, all of the paintings that have existed in our mind's eye, you are what I have decided to memorize. Your love will kill me one day, but not today. I will feel your breath on me and taste nostalgia (strong as it is), tonight.

_Me and Michael  
Solid as they come  
Me and Michael  
It's not a question now_

When you touch me like that I choose to accept the downfall. I choose to break everything I have created these past few centuries waiting for you. Farther and farther I travel into you, staring, what is your meaning? What purpose do you serve but to devastate me. I have known nothing before or after you. I let the beast inside my bones devour me. There is no scenario in which I wouldn't die for you.

"прикоснись ко мне там, Potter," my lips are moving against the tide, someone is screaming in ecstasy, I do not know who it is. Every part of me has taken flight, with the gracefulness of a swan. You have changed me so easily. The Magician and the Fool.

I feel my body drop, and it is you who catches me. It has always been you who grips me tight, it has always been you who has been the smoke in my lungs and the alcohol in my stomach. You are not a memory, but an anomaly. No human being can be so many things at once, no human being has ever has to power to tell the story that you have told me with your bare hands on me. 

I lean into your touch, your hands have grown so much since you were little. I was so much bigger than you then, yet you still insisted on shattering me. When I look at you I see the reflection of myself in your glasses. When I gaze up at you I see myself. 

_Binary star sink like the setting sun  
Too happy with ourselves to notice when the change had come  
So you think the losing side would never break dividing lines  
When sanctity wasn't a thing of doubt_

Anchor me, Theo. Drag me out of the atmosphere and into your arms where I belong, where I will always belong. Share another night of dancing with me before we part.

" Sweet bit.", you say to me, so nonchalant, you seem to truly have no idea as to how bad I need you. You do it as though it is just another part of life. It isn't fair. How can you stay so strong all the time like this. Don't let me go.

" I'm right here, Boris. I'm not going to leave you."

When I open my eyes tomorrow I will have you. It will not be imagination, or a beast whispering into my ear. I will reach out for you and you will reach back, not a doubt in your mind. I will admire your heart. The little bird that has helped me take flight. The bird that I have held onto for centuries. You will speak your shitty Russian to me and I will laugh at you. The snow will fall into place, the seed will grow, and when it comes time for me to save you? I will. I will return the strength to you that you have let me savor through the years. 

I will love you as I always have, because nothing else matters to me. 

And you will grip me.

_Me and Michael  
Solid as they come  
Me and Michael  
It's not a question now_


End file.
